Fun & Thotful Stuff - I learned a long time ago to take my profession seriously, and myself lightly. Thus the need for humor as well as thoughtful contemplation in our lives. I dedicate this page to my colleagues, clients, and my wonderful children and grandchildren, who give me reason to smile. Got a joke or story you'd like to share? Simply submit and we'll post them. Wait for page to load before you click on choices. Enjoy! - Marlene

Cause I'm a Guy

1,000 Years Ago * Win $1 Million

Upstate NY Winters!


The Future is Now

Memo from God * Catch Snowflakes

Crime & Punishment


Brain Teaser 1
& 2


Every Woman
/ Haircuts


Internet Junkie Signs


A Child's Viewpoint


Abort, Retry, Ignore?


Bidding Contractors 


Voice Mail Options

Dr. Seuss Technical


Joy of Tech Support


Meaningful People


A Dog & Cat? * Pesky Warnings


Chicken Cross Road?


More Jokes here

 


Back to top

 

I'll donate $1 million dollars to the charity of your choice if you click this button!

 

Back to top

 

 

 

People Who Make a Difference

Take this quiz: mentally

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name 10 people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.


Back to top

 

 

 

Something to Ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

 

Back to top

 

 

An Open Letter From God...

My dear children -- and believe Me, that is all of you -- I consider Myself a pretty patient God. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place cell by cell and gene by gene. And I have been patient through your fashions, your civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways that you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again. I want to let you know about some of the things that started ticking Me off.

First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough already! Let's get one thing straight. These are your religions, not Mine. I'm the whole enchilada. I'm beyond 'em all. Every one of your religions claims that there's only one of Me, which, by the way, is absolutely true, but in the very next breath each religion claims that it's My favorite one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all of the other bibles are man-made. Oh, Me. How do I ever begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

All right, listen up now. I am your Father and Mother, and I don't play favorites among My children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bibles, were written by men and women. They were inspired men and women, they were remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. And I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word rather than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to Me -- even a bum on the street -- is worth more than all of the holy books in the world. That's just the kind of a guy-and-gal I am. My spirit is not an historical thing. It's alive right now, right now, as fresh as your next breath. Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but they are not more so than the least of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win souls for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favors. I can stand quite well on My own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me. I don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each other. And another thing. I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example, I swear to Me that I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode is any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royces and I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I have never had a conversation with Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell or Jimmy Swaggart. Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to.

Now the thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of a loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of religion is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you anyway with no strings attached. So, lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion's best for. What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your scriptures and you say, "Well, if this is the truth, then that can't be." But instead of trying to figure out My paradoxes and unfathomable nature -- which, by the way, you never will -- why not open your hearts to the simple, common threads of every religion? You know what I'm talking about. Play nice with each other. Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I'm always with you. And learn how to be quiet, so that you can hear My still, small voice. I don't like to shout. Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My own child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't worry, be happy. (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but Who gave it to him in the first place?)


Simple stuff now. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I am very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether you call Me God, or Yahweh, or Jehovah, Allah, Wakatonka, Brahma, Father, Mother, even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My Special Children you feel closest to -- Moses, Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others?

You can call Me and My Special Ones any names you choose, if only you will go about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

No, I am not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions and traditions, honor them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honor, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart. I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine all of the great traditions into One Big Mess.

Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children -- the ones that your religions revolve around -- all live in the same place in My heart, and they get along perfectly, I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion. The whole planet is now connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases and mutual needs and concerns.

Get with the program! If you really want to help Me, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry and clothe your naked, and protect your abused and shelter your poor. And just as important, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humor. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living and loving and laughing together.

Now, I am not really ticked off. Not really. I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the dark. I really am with you always. I promise.

Always. Trust in Me.

Your One and Only,

God

 


Back to top

 

 

 

 

Paul Harvey thoughts...

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

 


Back to top

 

 

 

 

Two Boxes of God


I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me to hold
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored

But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before

With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile at me."
"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked, "God, why give me the boxes, Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, The black is for you to let go."

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

The Fork

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order". She contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastors reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church, socials, and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, "Keep your fork." It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want them to wonder, 'What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come.'"

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of Heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible , and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Back to top

 

 

 

 

Thoughts to Live By...

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend or family member, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

We started our circle of family & friends....
And like that circle....
There is no beginning or end.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
Live it well...

Back to top

 

 

 

 


Women Vs Men

Women: Women have strengths that amaze men.

They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.

They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.

They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.

And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

submitted by Nick Dudish

Back to top

 

 

 


Upstate New York Winters

Official Upstate New York Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above
New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
People in Upstate New York plant gardens.

50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Upstate New York sunbathe.

40 above
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.

20 above
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel shirt

5 above
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Upstate New York have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

0
People in Miami all die...
Upstaters lick the flagpole.

20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Upstate New York get out their winter coats.

40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Upstate NY are selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Upstate Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in Upstate NY rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Upstaters get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Upstate NY complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in Upstate NY start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl.

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 



The Future is Now!

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
and all 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth

1 would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent."

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 


A Thousand Years Ago Today...

A thousand years ago today... Someone, moved beyond their own fears and needs... and you were the result.

Nine hundred years ago someone, chose first to understand rather than need to be understood... and you were the result.

Eight hundred years ago someone, chose to accept someone at a deep level within themselves... and you were the result.

Seven hundred years ago, someone chose to forgive a wrong that, after much struggle and heartbreak they discovered was not beyond forgiveness... and you were the result.

Six hundred years ago someone, chose to let go... of an old idea, an old grudge, an old way of doing things... and you were the result.

Five hundred years ago someone, chose to commit to telling the truth no matter what... and you were the result.

Four hundred years ago someone, chose to re-ignite their heart and believe in love again... and you were the result.

Three hundred years ago someone, chose to respond with leadership and vision rather than react... and you were the result.

Two hundred years ago someone, chose to trust, to have faith, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary ... and you were the result.

One hundred years ago someone chose to connect, to join, to be vulnerable rather than maintain the walls they had built up inside ... and you were the result.

A few years ago, someone took a risk, with a smile, a kind word, a phone call, flowers..... and you are the result.

Now it's your turn...

Early in the thirty first century someone will evolve from what you choose to do today... Choose love over fear and there will be someone as beautiful as you...

A thousand years from today.

  

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 


 

MEMO FROM GOD...

I am God.
Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
It will be addressed in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair.
There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad;
Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;
Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror;
Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?
Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities;
Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!

  

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own... even if she never wants to and needs to...

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A youth she's content to leave behind...

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it...

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded...

A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love without losing herself...

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

When to try harder...and when to walk away...

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend...

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it...

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

That her childhood may not have been perfect... but its over...

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it...

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

Where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

  

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

School Teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that is the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in it's pancreas.

Andersen Consulting: Because deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening it's dominant market position.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask " What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? ".

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your chequebook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?". Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?".

Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 


Internet Junkie Warning Signs

You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when ....
 
1. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy -- for a year!!!"  
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.  
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.  
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.  
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.  
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."  
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. (right Nic??  lmao)  
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.  
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.  
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.  
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.  
18. "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain  special person to sign on.  
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.  
21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......  
22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.  
23. You think faster than the computer.  
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.  
25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.  
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.  
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.  
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".
29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 


Computer Industry vs Auto Industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued the following press release (By Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 


PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never" knew how much he was kneaded.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife; they have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

Voice Mail Options From an Overworked Answering Machine

* If you are obsessive/compulsive, press one repeatedly.

* If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

* If you have a multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

* If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what number to press.

* If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will ever return your call.

* If you have attention deficit disorder, we can't help you because you have already hung up.

  

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

Crime and Punishment

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. "

Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind ofstupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

 

Back to top

 

 

E-mail your favorite jokes here: marlene@technotouch.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ice Cream for the Soul ...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six year old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and Justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already." - author unknown

Back to Top

 

 

 


 

Age Baromenter - Archaic or History Buff???

How many do you remember? Count 'em.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

 

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

Instructions From I.T. Support ...

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. Support sends you a email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email messages all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a 'NO DIAL TONE' message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good arguement.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 1268 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a kilo of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When you can't find someone in the Company phone directory, call I.T. Support.
25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in the outer campuses like to keep abreast of what's going on.
31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names & numbers are just a cosmetic feature.
33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
34. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
35. Keep it crashing!

Back to Top


 

 

 

The Lost Chapter of Genesis??

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

Back to Top


 

 

A Thousand Years Ago Today...

A thousand years ago today...

Someone, moved beyond their own fears and needs... and you were the result.

Nine hundred years ago someone, chose first to understand rather than need to be understood... and you were the result.

Eight hundred years ago someone, chose to accept someone at a deep level within themselves... and you were the result.

Seven hundred years ago someone, chose to forgive a wrong that, after much struggle and heartbreak they discovered was not beyond forgiveness... and you were the result.

Six hundred years ago someone, chose to let go... of an old idea, an old grudge, an old way of doing things... and you were the result.

Five hundred years ago someone, chose to commit to telling the truth no matter what... and you were the result.

Four hundred years ago someone, chose to re-ignite their heart and believe in love again... and you were the result.

Three hundred years ago someone, chose to respond with leadership and vision rather than react... and you were the result.

Two hundred years ago someone, chose to trust, to have faith, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary ... and you were the result.

One hundred years ago someone chose to connect, to join, to be vulnerable rather than maintain the walls they had built up inside ... and you were the result.

A few years ago, someone took a risk, with a smile, a kind word, a phone call, flowers..... and you are the result. Now it's your turn...

Early in the thirty first century someone will evolve from what you choose to do today...

Choose love over fear and there will be someone as beautiful as you...

A thousand years from today.

submitted by Marlene B. Brown, New Hartford Rotary Club

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE FUTURE IS NOW!

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
all 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent. All the more reason to be an active Rotarian who's helping to make a positive difference.

submitted by Marlene Brown, Utica Rotary Club

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FRIDAY HUMOUR...

Are You A Professional? The following quiz is from Arthur Andersen. It consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Scroll down for the answers.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (Simple enough ?)

This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your prudence.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: The Elephant, because it is in the refrigerator !

This tests whether you have a comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to prove your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river, which is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer ! : Simply swim through it. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

submitted by Al Kalter, Eastwood Rotary Club

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY...


Phone conversations last 30 seconds

You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go

You can go to the bathroom alone

Your last name stays put

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

You can kill your own food (but can you cook it??)

The garage is all yours

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

You never have to clean the toilet (or do)

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

Wedding plans take care of themselves

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

You don't have to shave below your neck

You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night

If you're 34 and single, no one notices

Chocolate is just another snack

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat (yeah right - do they ever let us drive??)

Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)

You never have to worry about other's feelings

Three pair of shoes are more than enough

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him

Same work . . . more pay

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks

You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

If you retain water, it's in a canteen

The remote is yours and yours alone

You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom

If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

Give me a fish and I eat for a day. Teach me to fish and I eat for a lifetime

Presents and cards for family/friends birthdays, holidays and other occasions get magically wrapped

Holiday decorating somehow appears and then disappears

A gourmet dinner is a pizza with everything (and beer in a glass instead of the can)

Cleaning up after dinner is putting the dishes in the sink

Cleaning up the house means moving stuff from two small piles into one large pile

The refrigerator mysteriously restocks itself with food

Remember it is sign of intelligence to enjoy all that you do!
 

submitted by Rev. Mitchell

Back to Top


 

 

 

 

 

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own... even if she never wants to and needs to...

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A youth she's content to leave behind...

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it...

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded...

A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love without losing herself...

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

When to try harder...and when to walk away...

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend...

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it...

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

That her childhood may not have been perfect... but its over...

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it...

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

Where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...

When her soul needs soothing...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

submitted by Marie Lusins, DGE 7170

Back to Top


 

 

 

 

 

SHARING INSIGHT...

A friend sent this, and I think it's wonderful to share:

I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.

With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves ... and none of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is God's way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day,"

Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to make me a promise... from now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see - it could be a scent - perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground. Please, look for these things, and cherish them.

For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the "stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. The people in our lives we often take for granted... assuming they'll always be there. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time... it can all be taken away."

The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook. Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot, or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double-dip ice cream cone.

Make sure you tell those you love that you do. Take time be to with those who are important to you. For as we get older, it is not the things we did or said that we often regret, but the things we didn't do or say.
 

submitted by Marlene Brown

Back to Top


Brain Teaser 1

 

Scroll Down

 

S - L - O - W - L - Y

 

and

 

DO NOT CHEAT!!!!

 

 

 

SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY -

 

ONE LINE AT A TIME!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Try this and you will be amazed!

 

Don't look ahead!

 

Just do it step by step.

 

Go....

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD

 

Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says.

 

You will be glad you did. If not, you'll wish you had listened!

 

 

 

 

 

You will probably need your caculator - you have one!

 

Look under Accessories!!

 

 

 

 

1) Pick a number from 1-9

 

 

 

 

 

2) Subtract 5

 

 

 

 

 

3) Multiply by 3

 

 

 

 

 

4) Square the number (multiply by the same number - not square root)

 

 

 

 

 

5) Add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64 is 6+4=l0 then l+0=1. Or 45 is 4+5 = 9)

 

 

 

 

6) If the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.

 

 

 

 

7) Multiply by 2

 

 

 

 

8) Subtract 6

 

9) Map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...

 

 

10) Pick a name of a country that begins with that letter

 

 

 

11) Take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter

 

12) Think of the color of that mammal

 

 

 

(keep scrolling)

 

 

 

 

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN

 

UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE

 

ALL OF THE ABOVE

 

 

 

 

Ready for the Answer?

 

Here it comes . . .

 

DO NOT CHEAT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have a

 

 

 

from Denmark!

 

95% of the people come up with this answer! If you are one of the elite 5% - congrats!

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

Brain Teaser 2

This is too cool. Hope you enjoy the math work

 

Try this......

 

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

 

It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

 

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out.

 

2. Multiply this number by 2.

 

3. Add 5.

 

4. Multiply it by 50.

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749. If you haven't had your birthday, add 1748.

 

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 

SEE BELOW

 

You should now have a three digit number:

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week).

The second two digits are your age!

Back to top

 

 

 






Because I'm a Guy...

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.

I'll do the rest.


Back to top











HAIRCUTS

Women's version:

================

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Men's version:

=============

Man2: Haircut?

 

Man1: Yeah.



Back to top










What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Training Manuals

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 

Back to top










Abort, Retry, Ignore?

(To the meter of "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost & gone forevermore
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?".


 

Back to top












The Joy of Tech Support

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

========================

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

==========================

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a P."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "P on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

=========================

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

====================

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

======================

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any industry terms. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the little picture of a file cabinet... it's a little picture, ok?"
Customer: [click]

=========================

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash. It crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on File, then New Game."
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

===============================
Back to top












*******Do Not Open WARNING***********

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! <VBG>


===============================

Back to top



 


 

Through the Eyes of a Child

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

 

===============================

Back to top



 


Who Wins the Bid?

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

 

  ===============================

Back to top







What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

 

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They are great at begging.

8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9. They leave their toys everywhere.

10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
  ===============================

Back to top



Articles Speeches Futurist/Speaker Web Designer
Links Strategist Bio/Credentials Shopping Cart
Products Meetings TechnoQuest Music/Holidays
Fun Stuff Clients Home Town Flash Movie
Awards Contact Us Hear Marlene Home  

Web site designed by
TechnoTouch Marketing Assoc.

© 1994-2001 All rights reserved
This page was last updated:
MarmeL Consulting Firm
& TechnoTouch Marketing
53 White Street, Suite 305
Clark Mills, NY 13321-0083

E-mail: marlenebrown@adelphia.net
MarmeL & TechnoTouch Mission Statement:
We help companies stay competitive by taking action on future trends impacting their industry.©
 

CSP, Certified Professional Speaker, Business Futurist, Marketing Consultant, Technology Strategiest, Future Trends, MarmeL Consulting, software program, Author
Award-winning
speaker & consultant

business futurist, professional speaker, marketing strategist, Marmel Consulting, marmel, sales software, author, Marlene Brown, CSP
Back to
TechnoTouch
home page
business futurist, professional speaker, marketing strategist, Marmel Consulting, marmel, sales software, author, Marlene Brown, CSP
MarmeL Consulting Firm
Technology Trends Speaker,
Future Trends Leadership,
Net/Web Marketing Strategists
TechnoTouch Award Winner
Award-winning
web site designer