||Fun & Thotful Stuff - I learned a long time ago to take my profession seriously, and myself lightly. Thus the need for humor as well as thoughtful contemplation in our lives. I dedicate this page to my colleagues, clients, and my wonderful children and grandchildren, who give me reason to smile. Got a joke or story you'd like to share? Simply submit and we'll post them. Wait for page to load before you click on choices. Enjoy! - Marlene|
The Future is Now
Memo from God * Catch Snowflakes
Crime & Punishment
Every Woman / Haircuts
Internet Junkie Signs
A Child's Viewpoint
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Voice Mail Options
Dr. Seuss Technical
Something to Ponder...
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
Paul Harvey thoughts...
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And
if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Two Boxes of God
in my hands two boxes which God gave me to hold
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
But though the gold became heavier each
With curiosity, I opened the black
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
He smiled a gentle smile at me."
I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order". She contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastors reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church, socials, and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, "Keep your fork." It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want them to wonder, 'What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come.'"
The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of Heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible , and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Thoughts to Live By...
Many people will walk in and out of your
To handle yourself, use your head;
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
He who loses money, loses much;
Beautiful young people are accidents of
Learn from the mistakes of others.
We started our circle of family &
Yesterday is history.
Women Vs Men
Women: Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors
The heart of a woman is what makes the
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
submitted by Nick Dudish
Upstate New York Winters
Official Upstate New York Temperature Conversion Chart
The Future is Now!
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: There would be:
52 would be female
70 would be non-white
70 would be non-Christian
89 would be heterosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death;
1 would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent."
A Thousand Years Ago Today...
A thousand years ago today... Someone, moved beyond their own fears and needs... and you were the result.
Nine hundred years ago someone, chose first to understand rather than need to be understood... and you were the result.
Eight hundred years ago someone, chose to accept someone at a deep level within themselves... and you were the result.
Seven hundred years ago, someone chose to forgive a wrong that, after much struggle and heartbreak they discovered was not beyond forgiveness... and you were the result.
Six hundred years ago someone, chose to let go... of an old idea, an old grudge, an old way of doing things... and you were the result.
Five hundred years ago someone, chose to commit to telling the truth no matter what... and you were the result.
Four hundred years ago someone, chose to re-ignite their heart and believe in love again... and you were the result.
Three hundred years ago someone, chose to respond with leadership and vision rather than react... and you were the result.
Two hundred years ago someone, chose to trust, to have faith, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary ... and you were the result.
One hundred years ago someone chose to connect, to join, to be vulnerable rather than maintain the walls they had built up inside ... and you were the result.
A few years ago, someone took a risk, with a smile, a kind word, a phone call, flowers..... and you are the result.
Now it's your turn...
Early in the thirty first century someone will evolve from what you choose to do today... Choose love over fear and there will be someone as beautiful as you...
A thousand years from today.
MEMO FROM GOD...
I am God.
If life happens to deliver a situation
to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it.
Once the matter is placed into the box,
do not hold on to it.
Should you have a bad day at work;
Should you despair over a relationship
Should you grieve the passing of another
Should your car break down, leaving you
miles away from assistance;
Should you notice a new gray hair in the
Should you find yourself at a loss and
pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?
Should you find yourself the victim of
other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities;
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...
Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own... even if she never wants to and needs to...
Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A youth she's content to leave behind...
A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it...
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded...
A feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love without losing herself...
How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
When to try harder...and when to walk away...
How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend...
How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it...
That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
That her childhood may not have been perfect... but its over...
What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it...
Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
Where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road
School Teacher: To get to the other side.
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary: Because that is the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in it's pancreas.
Andersen Consulting: Because deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening it's dominant market position.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask " What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? ".
Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your chequebook.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?". Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?".
Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Internet Junkie Warning Signs
You know it's time to turn your computer
off and read a book when ....
Computer Industry vs Auto Industry
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued the following press release (By Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never" knew how much he was kneaded.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife; they have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
Voice Mail Options From an Overworked Answering Machine
* If you are obsessive/compulsive, press one repeatedly.
* If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have a multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
* If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what number to press.
* If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will ever return your call.
* If you have attention deficit disorder, we can't help you because you have already hung up.
Crime and Punishment
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
E-mail your favorite jokes here:
Brain Teaser 1
S - L - O - W - L - Y
Try this and you will be amazed!
Don't look ahead!
Just do it step by step.
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD
Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says.
You will be glad you did. If not, you'll wish you had listened!
You will probably need your caculator - you have one!
Look under Accessories!!
1) Pick a number from 1-9
2) Subtract 5
3) Multiply by 3
4) Square the number (multiply by the same number - not square root)
5) Add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64 is 6+4=l0 then l+0=1. Or 45 is 4+5 = 9)
6) If the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) Multiply by 2
8) Subtract 6
9) Map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10) Pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11) Take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12) Think of the color of that mammal
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN
UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE
ALL OF THE ABOVE
Ready for the Answer?
Here it comes . . .
DO NOT CHEAT!
You have a
95% of the people come up with this answer! If you are one of the elite 5% - congrats!
Brain Teaser 2
This is too cool. Hope you enjoy the math work
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749. If you haven't had your birthday, add 1748.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your
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