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People Who Make a Difference

Take this quiz: mentally

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name 10 people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

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Something to Ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

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An Open Letter From God...

My dear children -- and believe Me, that is all of you -- I consider Myself a pretty patient God. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place cell by cell and gene by gene. And I have been patient through your fashions, your civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways that you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again. I want to let you know about some of the things that started ticking Me off.

First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough already! Let's get one thing straight. These are your religions, not Mine. I'm the whole enchilada. I'm beyond 'em all. Every one of your religions claims that there's only one of Me, which, by the way, is absolutely true, but in the very next breath each religion claims that it's My favorite one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all of the other bibles are man-made. Oh, Me. How do I ever begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

All right, listen up now. I am your Father and Mother, and I don't play favorites among My children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bibles, were written by men and women. They were inspired men and women, they were remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. And I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word rather than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to Me -- even a bum on the street -- is worth more than all of the holy books in the world. That's just the kind of a guy-and-gal I am. My spirit is not an historical thing. It's alive right now, right now, as fresh as your next breath. Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but they are not more so than the least of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win souls for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favors. I can stand quite well on My own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me. I don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each other. And another thing. I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example, I swear to Me that I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode is any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royces and I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I have never had a conversation with Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell or Jimmy Swaggart. Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to.

Now the thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of a loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of religion is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you anyway with no strings attached. So, lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion's best for. What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your scriptures and you say, "Well, if this is the truth, then that can't be." But instead of trying to figure out My paradoxes and unfathomable nature -- which, by the way, you never will -- why not open your hearts to the simple, common threads of every religion? You know what I'm talking about. Play nice with each other. Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I'm always with you. And learn how to be quiet, so that you can hear My still, small voice. I don't like to shout. Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My own child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't worry, be happy. (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but Who gave it to him in the first place?)

Simple stuff now. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I am very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether you call Me God, or Yahweh, or Jehovah, Allah, Wakatonka, Brahma, Father, Mother, even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My Special Children you feel closest to -- Moses, Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others?

You can call Me and My Special Ones any names you choose, if only you will go about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

No, I am not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions and traditions, honor them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honor, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart. I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine all of the great traditions into One Big Mess.

Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children -- the ones that your religions revolve around -- all live in the same place in My heart, and they get along perfectly, I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion. The whole planet is now connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases and mutual needs and concerns.

Get with the program! If you really want to help Me, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry and clothe your naked, and protect your abused and shelter your poor. And just as important, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humor. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living and loving and laughing together.

Now, I am not really ticked off. Not really. I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the dark. I really am with you always. I promise.

Always. Trust in Me.

Your One and Only,

God

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Paul Harvey thoughts...

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

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Two Boxes of God

I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me to hold
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored

But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before

With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile at me."
"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked, "God, why give me the boxes, Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, The black is for you to let go."

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The Fork

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order". She contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastors reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church, socials, and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, "Keep your fork." It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want them to wonder, 'What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come.'"

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of Heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible , and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.

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Thoughts to Live By...

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend or family member, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

We started our circle of family & friends....
And like that circle....
There is no beginning or end.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
Live it well...

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Women Vs Men

Women: Women have strengths that amaze men.

They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.

They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.

They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.

And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

submitted by Nick Dudish

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Upstate New York Winters

Official Upstate New York Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above
New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
People in Upstate New York plant gardens.

50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Upstate New York sunbathe.

40 above
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.

20 above
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel shirt

5 above
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Upstate New York have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

0
People in Miami all die...
Upstaters lick the flagpole.

20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Upstate New York get out their winter coats.

40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Upstate NY are selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Upstate Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in Upstate NY rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Upstaters get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Upstate NY complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in Upstate NY start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl.

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The Future is Now!

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
and all 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth

1 would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent."

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A Thousand Years Ago Today...

A thousand years ago today... Someone, moved beyond their own fears and needs... and you were the result.

Nine hundred years ago someone, chose first to understand rather than need to be understood... and you were the result.

Eight hundred years ago someone, chose to accept someone at a deep level within themselves... and you were the result.

Seven hundred years ago, someone chose to forgive a wrong that, after much struggle and heartbreak they discovered was not beyond forgiveness... and you were the result.

Six hundred years ago someone, chose to let go... of an old idea, an old grudge, an old way of doing things... and you were the result.

Five hundred years ago someone, chose to commit to telling the truth no matter what... and you were the result.

Four hundred years ago someone, chose to re-ignite their heart and believe in love again... and you were the result.

Three hundred years ago someone, chose to respond with leadership and vision rather than react... and you were the result.

Two hundred years ago someone, chose to trust, to have faith, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary ... and you were the result.

One hundred years ago someone chose to connect, to join, to be vulnerable rather than maintain the walls they had built up inside ... and you were the result.

A few years ago, someone took a risk, with a smile, a kind word, a phone call, flowers..... and you are the result.

Now it's your turn...

Early in the thirty first century someone will evolve from what you choose to do today... Choose love over fear and there will be someone as beautiful as you...

A thousand years from today.

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MEMO FROM GOD...

I am God.
Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
It will be addressed in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair.
There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad;
Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;
Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror;
Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?
Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities;
Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!

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EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own... even if she never wants to and needs to...

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A youth she's content to leave behind...

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it...

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded...

A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love without losing herself...

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

When to try harder...and when to walk away...

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend...

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it...

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

That her childhood may not have been perfect... but its over...

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it...

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

Where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

School Teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that is the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in it's pancreas.

Andersen Consulting: Because deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening it's dominant market position.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask " What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? ".

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your chequebook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?". Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?".

Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

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Internet Junkie Warning Signs

You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when ....

1. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy -- for a year!!!"
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. (right Nic?? lmao)
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
18. "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.
25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".
29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

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Computer Industry vs Auto Industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued the following press release (By Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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